OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT
A man bought a camel from a woman at the market, the woman said "to make him go say 'phew' to make him stop say 'Amen'."
So the man hopped on the camel and said 'Phew' to make him go. The camel started running out of control. The man couldn't remember what to say to make him stop so he started calling out any old words "peanut butter sandwiches', 'abracadabra". He then noticed the cliff edge coming up, he prayed to god; "Please help me, save my soul, Amen...."
The camel stopped right there, inches away from the edge of the cliff.
Then the man said "Phew".A young woman was walking her baby through the park one day when she noticed an old drunk man staggering down the path.
The old man goes up to the lady and pokes his head into the pram and says: "By god woman, that is the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
The lady starts crying as the old man wanders away. Just then a park warden approaches the lady, "Man, why are you crying?"
"Well, see that old man, he just insulted me terribly."
A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: "I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please." The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.
All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.
The barman rushed over and said: "Argh!! You just shot my friend!!!" The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?" "Of Course I do," the barman answered, "you're a Panda!" "Good," the Panda replied, "now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition...
PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.What's red and green and goes 175 miles an hour? A frog in a blender.
What do you get if you add milk? Frog nog!
What happens if you drink frog nog? You Croak!A wealthy man and his dog were on Safari when one day the dog starts chasing butterflies and gets lost. Wandering about, the dog notices a leopard sprinting towards him, with the intention of having him for lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." But out of the corner of his eye he notices some bones on the ground and immediately turns his back towards the cat and starts chewing them
As the leopard is about to leap on him, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
The leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew, that was a close call. The dog nearly had me!" says the leopard.
Meanwhile, on a nearby tree a monkey had watched this scene and figured he could put his knowledge to use in exchange for protection from the leopard. As he heads off, the dog notices the monkey running after the leopard at great speed and figures something is up.
Catching up with the leopard, the monkey tells all and strikes a deal. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and say, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what will happen to that canine!"
The dog sees monkey and leopard approaching and thinks, "WHat will I do now?" But, instead of running, the dog sits down with his back facing the attackers and pretends he hasn't seen them. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Now where is that monkey! I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while licking his butt."A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a large dog who appears to be emptying wastebaskets.
The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination was playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "My friend, don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Amazing!" exclaimed the man. "I simply can't believe it. Does your boss realise what a prize he has in you? An animal...that can talk!"One Late Evening, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on it.
In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."
In a town filled with crime, a young married couple were worried after 3 of their neighbours had been burgled. They decided they should get a guard dog.
The wife went to the local pet store and asked the assistant, "Do you have any guard dogs?" The sales assistant replied, "Sorry Mam, we're all sold out. All we have left is a Scottie Dog...but he does know Karate."
The wife didn't believe him, so the clerk says to the dog: "Karate the chair." The wee dog then goes up to the chair and wack, he brakes it into tiny pieces. Then he said to the dog: "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and crunch, he breaks it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. He was of course very disappointed and skeptical about this little Dog's abilities as a guard dog.
When she informed him that the dog knew Karate, he laughed and said: "Karate my a$$!". And to this very day the husband is still in intensive care...
A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is gonna meet a young girl.
The teller tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?
The teller says, "In biology class!"
A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor.
He doesn't believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, ''I'm sorry, but your dog is dead.''
The man doesn't believe him and says, ''I want a second opinion.''
The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, ''Meeoowrr.'' The vet says again, ''I'm sorry, sir, your dog is dead.''
The man says, ''No, I want another opinion.''
So the doctor brings out a Laborador Retriever and he jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, ''Rrrrr.'' The vet says, ''I'm sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 500 dollars.''
''$500 to tell me my dog is dead?'' asks the man.
''Well,'' the vet replies, ''I'm 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 and the lab test was 200 dollars.''A penguin walks into a bar, and asks the bartender if he has any plums. The bartender, confused, tells the penguin that no, his bar doesn't serve plums. The penguin thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the penguin returns, and again repeats his request for plums. Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve plums, has never served plums, and, furthermore, will never serve plums. The penguin, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the penguin returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, penguin! This is a bar! We do not serve plums! If you ever ask for plums again, I will nail your stupid penguin beak to the bar!" The penguin is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Do you have any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says "No."
"Good!" says the penguin. "Then do you have any plums?"
A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."Dogs lie around all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play they want to play.
When you want to be alone they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.A cat died and went to heaven where God said: "You've been a good cat all your life. Is there anything you desire?" The cat replied: "I've lived on a farm and had to sleep on a hard floor all my life, so a soft pillow would be great. Then I could sleep peacefully in heaven."
God gave the cat a soft pillow.
The next day, 5 mice died and went to heaven where God said: "You've been exceptionally good mice all your lives. Is there anything you desire?" "Yes," they said, "we've always been chased by cats and people so we'd love to each have a pair of roller skates so we can get around heaven without having to use our little legs."
God provided them each with a pair of skates.One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said,Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow - you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."
Q: What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods?
A: I'll never do that for two bucks again
bsite.
