UNITED BENETTON of COLORS

28 May, 2009 Lost in love

I was talking to a fren on the phone about 8 at night for an hour. He told me that now that I am back writing things in my blog, he is quite happy to see that there will be interesting things to read about. I told him that I will write alot of things about life in general, things that have been happening and also about certain things in my life.

For starters, he would like me to explain in my blog why am I not attach in any relationship now as I am growing older. He would like my other frens to know what I am feeling inside of me which is the truth.

Ok let me begin here by saying why I am not attach or in love yet or maybe I lost that feeling or maybe I am not sure what love is anymore. In my last relationship, I was working in Cycle & Carriage coming close to 2 years. I met this woman whom I did fell in love with in time, thinking that she was everything that I wanted in her for the woman as she was the right sort of woman for me. Btw when I knew her she was married with 2 lovely kids. She works in New Car Logistics at Pandan Gardens. As time when by I grew closer to her and we did take leave on certain days in a certain period where we went out. That was when it all began for me when I fell deeply in love with her. She was also on the stage of getting a divorce due to what her husband did to her. Her life was a complete mess as I myself at that time did not know that she was seeing one of my ex-colleague who was a genuine asshole who has been cheating women in C&C from Mercedez Center to Alexandra. I told her of the incidents of him that he has done to others in C&C. I also know some of the women. Anyway I fell in love with her and took her out. Got to know her kids and became pretty close with them.

As time when by I grew to love the kids as my own, every day after work I would meet her in Jurong East and head back with her to Admirlty. There we would buy dinner and sit under a block with the kids and have dinner. I also taught the kids some things. I was rather strict with the kids as I wanted them to be better in their studies and be independant in alot of things. During weekends me and her would bring the kids out to places as I always drive them around. We had so much fun, even on the train, when passengers or strangers saw us, they taught that we were a happy family. I spend so much on her and the kids but I thought that it would not matter or that she was not making use of me because of money. I was wrong. She did spend nights at my home, sometimes her alone or sometimes with the kids. The kids came to like me alot, especially the younger one. I fell so much in love with all 3 of them that I would have sacrificed alot for them. Till one fine day when things got out of hand and I did not expect her to ruin everything just like that. She made police reports and also a court case about the matter that I was harrassing her but to prove my innocence I had to show photos to prove that she was lying. As things got so out of hand I walked away from it all in the end. I realized that when I fell so deeply in love with her I was blinded by the bad things that she did. She blamed me for everything and sometimes I keep wondering what those things were. There is only 1 thing that I know I did and that was all. I guess after this incident that made me felt so hurt that I have lost the interest in playing with a child nor getting close to one. Sometimes when I look at a child it reminded me about the 2 boys and her. I am confused in some ways, something inside of me tells me that I love them still and something else is telling me that if I go back I will be hurt again. Now it all depends on her whether she wants to get back where we left off and start again, to make things better. I think I still am in love with her and the kids. That is why I am still single and I cant seem to get them out of my mind. To be honest, me and her are a perfect couple when we are together with the kids as we could talk about anything and everything. Sometimes I love it when she ask me things and I would teach her certain things to make her knowledgable in what is happening.

I guess God has a plan for everyone and maybe I am still searching in my soul to believe whether does love really do exist out there, even there is somebody for everyone. I guess my time will come and healing the wounds inside of me is not as easy as it seems cuz not many people who'd understand me better as I do hide my feelings behind my smile. I wish one day God will answer my prayer for what I am searching for? "Does love exist?"

Goodnite.
God Bless n God Speed.

Posted by THE SAINT :: Thursday, May 28, 2009 :: ---------------oOo---------------