UNITED BENETTON of COLORS

12 March, 2006 Saturday Nite in the Office

Well everything seems so moody nowadays with alot of changes in life.My manager not around so me and my colleagues sit n watch a movie Final Destination 3 n Pearl Harbour. Both shows are nice.After the show we got back to work,today no much things to do so we laze around the office.The only problem is that in here we are not allowed to use our cellphones as they are suppose to be kept in the locker.Due to the equipments in the area we work that might cause some interference to the equipments.

Anyway......I m bored like hell n have been thinking about what my mum said,all she wanted me to do is concentrate on my career and migrate to the place that I wanna go n be happy.She told me not to bother too much in relationships as there will always be someone out there who will suit me better.When I think about it,yeah I do agree in some point or another as I feel that most of my time has been searching for a good relationship that would last.Now I see the point and I will have to tell someone about it and hear it out.In my own words I think what I am searching for cant be seen in this part of the world.Most of my previous relationships were like 2-5yrs and boy did I really waste my time in all this.I find that it is hard to explain to anyone how I feel.Moreover now I have to save up enough money and also settle some of my bills.Not only this but I feel that I am on a rebound like what one of my good fren said to me one nite when she had a talk with me.She has been a good fren to me for quite sometime.

There are many things in life that people are expecting in a relationship,some are possesive, some are irritating, some are stubborn n some do not want to learn from each other.The problem with me is that when I give all my best in a relationship,it always seems that the other party is expecting more in return and does not even bother to ask me what I really want in life or what I plan to do.Its always me who listens but no one wanna even ask me how I feel or am I down.So now I have realise that certain things are not as what they seem,I have try to be as harsh as I could be but I do not wish to stoop as low as them to degrade myself in anyway possible.Too many things are best left unsaid and as society changes in certain ways,I realise that something in me will not change to the way society is changing and that is the principle of the essence of life.

Hey let me tell you a story,last year my dad was admitted to the hospital n everyday after work I go there to visit him n I try my best to be there every single day as my mum is also there every nite by his side.My dad is a remarkable man.He works hard from the time he was young to give his brothers n sisters a good education so that they are who they are right now from Managing director,chief Engineer,Head Staff nurse n many more other positions.As I grew up from young,I came from a poor family and my dad was a sailor for about 5-6yrs and I seldom get the chance to see him cuz he travels around the whole.He has seen most of the places in the globe.Many places where I myself have not been.He gave me n my younger brother a good education and he always buys things for us even when we do not want it.I was so happy having him as a father.At times he was very strict with us and would cane us when we did not do well in our studies.Also when I was young I was closely knitted with the church.I became an altar boy (those young boys that wear a white garment you see walking next to catholic priests during church services) and also I was in the choir.

My dad was really very strict with us cuz it runs in my family for many generations all over the world. But he was also there for us when we were in trouble with the law.Having a dad like him was really great.He can do alot of things like be a sailor,a mechanic, engineer, safety supervisor and many more.........but the saddest part of my life was that I never told him how much I loved him when I had the chance to.Those past 4months in the hospital last year made me realise how important he was to me.I asked god if he was to take my father away,pls spare him from condemning him if he has any sins as I will bear all the sins for him to carry and instead I shall be the one to be thrown to hell........Sigh.....I remember shaving him,feeding him and saying the prayers for him at the hospital infront of so many people.I also realise that my courage in me was coming back,something that I have lost faith n believe in as a Catholic.I have walked away from god n christ n not seen the church for what it is n was n is to be.Now knowing the truth to see the one that you love the most in your heart suffer,you do not request much from god as there are billions of people in the world n god cant grant anyone their wishes.What we can do is accept it.As the days passed in the hospital I realised something too.....my dad was losing faith n hope in alot of things....he was a man who never gave up....but now he did......The misery I have to live with is that on the day he died,he did not wanna go as he waited for me to come from work to see him leave but I was too late.He died without seeing me n that left a big hole in my heart as I really did not know what to say nor do.Sigh.....we are all humans n we do shed a tear for the ones that we love if it comes from the heart.I was so devasted n lost.......I remained silent most of the time.......

Than I prepare the funeral,chose a white coffin for him.Laid his body in the coffin and in church for 3days.Everyone was said......but I was the only one that has the deepest sadness that no words could describe.Than before the congregation I said a speech,I told everyone before me how much my dad means to me,how good a man,father n brother he was to the family.The things that he did for the family n everyone.I also said that the saddest part was for me as a son not to have told him how much I love him.This is one misery that I shall take to my grave till I see him again. After he was gone, things were hard for me as I need to look after the home n my mum.I made a promise that I will abide by it n I will not let any mockery or insult kick me down,for I believe if I have the faith to go n be strong I could overcome it.I been trying till this very day n the courage keeps building up day after day.There are many things and thoughts that run through my mind.I will not sit back n taken for a fool for someone to plunder on me.There is one thing that I fear in myself,it is my anger that makes me wild n feel no pain.So I try to control that as long as I could.No one has ever seen my anger,the only 2 person in my life that had seen it is my mum n brother.

Now I rest here n get back to my work n dun wanna think about anything or anyone for the moment. GOD BLESS THOSE WHO SEE N SPEAK THE TRUTH.

Posted by THE SAINT :: Sunday, March 12, 2006 :: ---------------oOo---------------